THE DEATHLY HOLLOWS

It feels good to be back...... back to the familiar backdrop of anonymity, back to the literally write off the pain, the disgust and the anger, back to shake off some of the burden under the
safe refuge of anonymity...
My temporary sabbatical from this blog was just another disillusioned hope, more of a product of my refusal to meet the prevailing situation, rather than any actual change in the situation..... a hope, that maybe,even against all these insurmountable odds, there was a slim chance that things would calm down, and perhaps I could get on with the semblance of a normal life........ perhaps, by just waiting and watching, there would suddenly come a day when I can just leave all this disgusting mess behind me, and go on with my life......perhaps.........

But the truth is, as I've known all throughout, that this is not something that I can leave behind me..... the only way was, and still remains, to confront it head on, to resolve the matter for once and for all.......
there's no use spending night after night closing your eyes hoping, rather desperately praying to whoever would care to listen, that when I open my eyes the next morning, all this would be nothing but a faraway,distant nightmare......nothing else........

This approach does nothing other than to expend your spirit, your ability to hope, your optimism and your self..... yet for the obvious reasons, I cannot do any other thing than wait and watch......
Home, though it never represented the perfect little haven for me as it does for others, is now the closest definition to hell that I can imagine....... flare ups are as common and frequent as commercial breaks during sitcoms, with no apparent causes,with matters boiling down to instances of physical abuse sometimes...... I guess the time is not far off when there will be a parting of ways......the way everything's going on, unless its that or an arrest of physical abuse, which again is no less imminent..... the cops already have got a wind of the going ons here, so its a sudden death round from here on.....
The last incident worth mentioning took place when I was away from home, as usually the case is, because in spite of all his bravado and stuff, if there's anyone within the family he thinks can stand up to him, atleast physically, it has to be me...

I wish I were as confidnet about this "standing up" part....... till now, I've been no more than a meek, mute spectator to everything, never protesting, even once...... I know that I need to shake of my supposed "diplomatic" approach( read:
cowardly) ...... I have known that all along, but failed to act accordingly..... all I have done is grovel and act like a helpless, opportunistic jackass who will tolerate anything as long as it does not affect him directly, irrespective to whether
its right or wrong......someone who'll keep his eyes closed for his own benefit....
I desperately need advice...... what should I do??

I know, most people would immediately and vehemently state that the only and the right thing is to report the matter and pursue legal action.......
But that is not feasible..... because if the sole earner of the family is removed, who is going to pay for the charges, legal, daily and otherwise??? A court case is likely to drag on for a couple of years, if not more....and during that time, who'll
sustain the family?? I have my educational finances to think of, and there's no way I could arrange anything that will cover all these expenses...... and then, I've a amaller sister, my mother, an aged grandmother and an invalid aunt...who's
to pay for all their sustenance??
But again, is it a morally defensible stand to tolerate all this, waiting for that day when perhaps either he'll come back to his senses and his family, or I am able to find a job enough to run a family???
I really don't know.......
I really wish that this was nothing more than another nightmare.............

Well.. here I am once again…. back to siphon off some more of the depression and frustration that is so abundant in my life… however, there is this problem: what else do I write here?? I feel that I’ve already exhausted my somewhat scanty resources in the previous posts, and now, though the urge to write still exists, I am facing an acute shortage of relevant topics which will really help me ease up…. 

I remember mentioning that my life, for the last couple of years, has been a charade…. A well-constructed, impenetrable wall of falsifications and pretensions, which successfully conveys to the world a “normal” illusion…. An illusion that is so much normal and common-place, that no one would even think twice before accepting it as the absolute reality… an irony, obviously, as the truth is as contradictory and removed from this projected truth as can be, yet this reality is something which I guess, the society and its virtuous occupants will have trouble believing in… another irony…

I have myself stated my aversion to the continuation of this charade and pretension…however, for reasons unknown, I still find myself continuing to play a part in this drama…ok, maybe not exactly unknown- the fact that I happen to be a wimp, who when confronted with the option of choosing between the right and the easy, will almost always go with the latter …and social restrictions and obligations did play a role in this decision…

However, there is only so long that this façade will be able to hold…someday or the other, sooner or later, it will be the pressure of the gradually but surely accumulating discontent which will eventually force its way through this meticulously built dam…what happens thereafter is going to be a whole different and much more interesting story, I can promise that much…however, that is something which I will store for future use…right now, I am more concerned about the frequent cracks appearing in this dam, cracks which appear suddenly, inexplicably and without warning…minute weak points which threaten to compromise the secrecy of the situation, providing some of the fortunate outsiders with a “sneak-preview” into something that would serve the scandal-deprived population of the region with fodder for gossip, perhaps to last until something more objectionable or despicable distracts them again…thus, eventually leading to a premature collapse of the projected illusion that we have worked so hard together to put up... every now and then, subtle hints, perhaps from some exceptionally observant or uncommonly experienced individuals living in our vicinity has me convinced that our little hoax- that of a “happy, contended family” could do with some better performances…obviously, what is going on right now isn’t exactly foolproof…
 Maybe I am underestimating the integrity of our veil of secrecy…still, it really makes me uneasy whenever I consider the infinite possibilities of this dam being breached not due to the inside pressure, but being pulled down by external force…that would really be a dampener…if not of our spirits, then on the fact that the only effort that we had put together, as a family in the last couple of years, will conclude in a failure...

I am at a fix- - unable to perceive how to make head or tail of these things which have, swirling out of nowhere, suddenly threatened to overshadow my life….

It is almost embarrassing to think, that I had once considered the mere possibility of being rejected by someone, as the most difficult, and heart wrenching of affairs that I can ever  encounter……now that the foundations, ideals, on which I had built my life up to now, are being rendered false and weak, how am I to withstand this sudden onslaught???

Consider this--an average, middle class, Indian, born and brought up in a reasonably conventional manner, imparted the usual ideals and notions about ethics, etiquette, morality, good and bad…..suddenly, one day, wakes up to find that everything around him has turned topsy-turvy…the people who were supposed to his role models, suddenly being exposed as not-so-virtuous characters…every one of his ethics flouted, violated..All good and evil jumbled up….what else is supposed to happen when you find out that the very person who inspires you to be idealistic, virtuous and good, himself abandons all these qualities and crosses over to the evil side?? It really overwhelms our poor protagonist…as he has trouble discerning the cause behind such a massive reversal in roles…..and it does not help when the person against whom he’s supposed to protest is his parent- the same person who guided his faltering steps when he needed help most…and now the same person behaves in such a manner, which according to his own teachings, is nothing short of condemnatory.........

It’s as if the walls he had constructed to support his life have almost crumbled down upon him…..and to make things worse, it isn’t really an option making his woes public..that would result in monstrous backlashes, both against him and the rest of the “dependants”….and they also have the social ramifications to consider…which brings me to the point of my discussion—social ramifications of this matter…..

It is evident that the fear of being ill-perceived by the erstwhile social circles is one of the main reasons why such problems do not get exposed….the resulting chaos and shame would be destructive to the interests of the family concerned…while every gossip-monger in the region gets a new and spicy matter to circulate, it becomes unbearable for the people involved in the matter to escape the after-effects of the scandal….be it the  person who benefitted from the atrocious act, or the ones who were on the receiving side of the stick—both sides are exulted to the level of celebrities, but not in the good sense….their dirty linen gets washed in the public, people whisper behind their backs…..and the family history is often referred to while considering their candidatures for any event., be it marriage, jobs or even while discussing the general countenance of the person… in a nutshell, such an action is destined to result in an inexplicable, illogical but strong prejudice against them in the minds of the general onlooker, irrespective of their allegiances in the course of this “atrocious” matter…. So, it would not be unusual for any individual, involved in such a face-off, to shun the society and its unwritten but well-established norms, as these were instrumental in the deterioration of his/her opportunities in life, albeit no fault of their own…it would be extremely normal for this individual to form a grudge against the society in general ….and to breed the habit of not caring about the norms and regulations laid down by the society…isn’t it??

Well..the answer to this question can easily be a whole-hearted yes….it would be so nice to just get away from the purview of the society…to bask in the glory of solitude…..not to be bound by any conventions…do as you like….no reason to worry about anything anymore…don’t care what the others think…don’t give a damn to what they say….. to what they deem as allowed in the society…I am entirely at liberty to whatever I please and whenever I please—these are the sentiments that are most likely to be echoed in the thoughts and actions of that individual…

But wait a minute, let’s just go through these few lines once again –aren’t these the very thoughts that had initially caused this debacle?? Wasn’t non-compliance with the norms of the society and its rules the reason why this afflicted individual is standing at this point?? Was it not for the disregard of long-established code of conduct that such a pathetic situation resulted?? Did not the “i-do-what-I-want-the –world-be-damned” attitude lead to the destruction of what could have been a happy family earlier??

So is this what is going to happen again?? Is the hapless individual, the initial victim destined to repeat the mistake, maybe fully, maybe partially, which had earlier rendered him a social outcast?? Will there be no end to this vicious cycle??

Well..

Tough call……isn't it?

 

Every day, as I look at her……I cannot but feel disgusted….

Disgusted, at how much I’ve allowed that beautiful, vibrant face to recede into such a pale mask of shock and sadness….

Disgusted at how those lively, loving eyes, which used to dream the world for us, now find solace only in quiet contemplation of the misfortune that has struck us….

How that healthy body has degraded to such an extent, that it is only the sheer force of her willpower which manages to keep it standing….amazed at how such crippling burdens are borne by such ease by a common mortal....

Disgusted, at how her ever-joyous mind is now suffering endlessly , as our worry gnaws away at the corners of her silent and calm composure, making her irritable…..

And worst, disgusted, because I allow this to go on unchecked…..allow her to push herself to the very limit of sanity …

But what can I do?

She will not let me……

All she has to say regarding this is, “ You need to keep your future secure…do not meddle in this…..

Whatever happens…I want you to concentrate on what you are doing…..and don’t get distracted for my sake..”

And I, the sick, mindless idiot that I am, actually obey her…… it also helps that I happen to be a wimp, always craving to take the easy way out…..the path which does not pose any risks to me or my future……

And her??

No….for her, the family is the only reason of existence…..better be martyred for the sake of us than utter anything that could impact our reputation or future….

It would have been so much easier to walk away from all this…..especially when nothing here is her fault……but she just keeps on tolerating this torture, for my sake…..

And she has no need of caring for an elderly lady and a disabled sister…not when their own son metes out such a diabolical treatment to her….but nonetheless, she looks after them as if they were her own kin…..

I hate her…..hate her for being so self-sacrificing…..

Hate her for caring so much about us…so much, that her happiness and luxuries are always the least of her priorities….

Hate her, for giving me so much…so much that I can never dream of repaying her debt…..not that she would ever accept any payment…..

There was a time….in the past, when I rued the fact that I hadn’t found someone to fall in love with….perhaps the reason is, that I try to find the same qualities in them, which I see in this above-mentioned, exceptional lady …..and which, I am almost convinced now, is not possible to find anywhere….

And I certainly will not complain about that….not now....

I know I act really stupid and unruly sometimes, I lose my temper over trivial matters, I detest your authority and try to act indifferent to your plight…. even though I am completely aware of what you suffer, just for my sake...

And I sincerely hope that you will overlook these blunders, as you always have….

I really love you, mom…..

 

 

“Do you think it is in human nature to be adulterous?”….

This was one of the questions they asked in the preliminary auditions for recruiting new members in an allegedly  “intellectual” club in our institute….

While I am certain that the person responsible for framing this question had only the intention of eliminating the undeserving candidates, the one thing I really doubt about is, does he really understand the gravity of the word,’ adultery’?

Adultery is a fine word to discuss about when you want to gauge someone’s philosophical aptitude, or intellect; in some cases, it even serves as a good test of vocabulary…but I really doubt how many have really witnessed it practically…..yeah, practically, not the stupid stuff you get to see in the run-of-mill scripts that happen to make those daily soaps so very irresistible….when I say adultery, I mean it-, I mean each and every alphabet that make up this dreaded word….

Have any of them seen how this dreaded action can cause the fragile and delicate framework of the acceptable social structure to collapse , not very unlike a house of cards, that requires a tremendous amount of concentration and dedication to build up, but can fall victim to an erratic gust of wind……

It’s in the same erratic manner that a human mind wanders from the monotonous surroundings, seeking perhaps a moment of thrill, a shot of adrenaline …stuff which is really hard to come by considering our daily lives…. Perhaps it is this very lure that causes the adventure- seeking mind to stray a bit farther than the prevalent social decrees allow….but with what consequences?? These sitcoms will have you believe that..well… the hapless individual who happened to flout the social customs, realizes his mistakes just in time…everything settles down as before…and people go home happy, safe and secure….a  supposedly perfect ending to what actually is an imperfect portrayal of one of the most imperfectly understood deviations of the human mind…..

Let me give you an alternate scenario…..how about a story where the ‘hapless’ person….. the one who invariably gets victimized into ‘adulterous’ situations by the vamp……isn’t that much hapless at all?? What if he feels that his new and exciting lifestyle is infinitely more preferable to the boring and conventional one that he was forced to lead till now….what if he values his momentary thrill much more than the peace and tranquility of a well-settled life….. what if the people in his life earlier are just left hanging  behind as heavy, unavoidable weights, slowing him down……    what if for him, adultery is a way of life, and an exciting one, at that????

….especially when these losers are so much dependant on him that they practically have to toe his line?? What does he do then???       

Well, let’s say he gives them a choice –

•       Continue the charade of leading a normal life, let  me do my THING….but beware, don’t even think of revealing anything about my lifestyle to anyone, else that means you will have to forego the financial aid that I so kindly bestow upon you….
  
•        Call it quits…..and go your own way..let me go mine….
  

Now, it is really considerate of him…all this giving of options is a really kind and endearing gesture, which I’m sure everyone will agree……who cares about the finer points, like the fact that the dependants (losers) include a boy and a girl, both in their formative and developing years, where parental guidance and influence, as well as maintaining a clean reputation is of paramount importance; or the fact that these losers are so apprehensive of social ostracization, they will have no choice other than clinging to option number one…..

So, what do we get….an “ adulterous”  earning member in the family, his dependants (a bunch of losers actually, without the capability to do anything in this big, bad world on their own) who are forced on to keep on their “happy ,contended family”  façade and slave under his iron rule …a concubine who really is the one at advantage in this bittersweet saga, enjoying all types of pleasure, both financial and physical......lots of drama everyday at home, when any of these losers try to stand up for rights-both for what is right, and for their rights; action, violence(unfortunately no sex) and lots of unhappy, inconclusive treaties and truces being formed daily, which, for the matter, promise more and better stuff the next day….this goes on and on and on…….until…well, let’s leave it at that, the remaining script is still to be completed….

 A fantastic script, don’t you think so?? Maybe I should approach some of those producers with ample time and money to waste on these mindlessly ridiculous sitcoms……….

Simply enthralling!!!  I think it’ll give any K-fare a run for its money, won't it???

I only have one misgiving….will I be able to find suitable performers who could uphold the true spirit of the script….natural actors to render flawless performances?? Aafter so many months of witnessing all these in real life, will the reel-life action suffice?? Probably it will…because it will really be an interesting experience to see it all from a third-person’s point of view……it really gets boring if you have to play the loser every day………